High school is a difficult time for any teenager. In our personal narrative section, we hope to be as real with you guys when it comes to talking about personal struggles some students may face. It's so important that we are raw and genuine in our writing. Most of all, we hope to inspire and comfort those who feel lost or out of place.
Ari:
Although I haven’t graduated quite yet, I truly feel like I’ve gained a lot of mental clarity on my experience as a teen in high school. Izzy and I both have slightly untraditional experiences entering high school, and we wanted to talk about our stories in an authentic way. We hope to comfort peers in high school who may feel stuck or lost, and to remind them that they are not alone.
I had lived in my hometown for nearly a decade. I’ve been told my whole life that I’m too sensitive and emotional for my own good, so to say that moving was tough would be a huge understatement. I’m a sucker for nostalgia.
As I’ve watched numerous cliche high school movies, I thought that by the first day, I would immediately adjust well if I was friendly and nice to everyone. This however, wasn’t the case. I felt invisible for a long time, despite the fact that I felt I had been making numerous efforts to put myself out there. I joined clubs, ran for student council, and made sure to say hi to nearly every person I met. After a while though, I felt like I was putting all of my energy into others. I’d constantly overthink the way I would smile, wave, or talk to others. I kept thinking, I have to be perfect, and everyone will like me.
If you couldn’t already tell, I thought a lot about how others would think of me. Becoming likable to others became my main priority. Despite all the effort I was putting in, I didn’t make any close friends. Every single day I would go home and feel defeated. I felt like an outcast, and strived to feel a sense of belonging and purpose.
Going to school soon began to feel like a chore. I didn’t look forward to waking up and getting ready because honestly, I had no real friends. I felt so out of place with no one in my corner. I would skip meals to avoid sitting in the lunchroom alone, and instead make circles around the hallways and convince myself I wasn’t hungry. I would schedule extra help sessions with teachers I didn’t need help from just to pass time from being by myself during lunch. I would get severe anxiety from asking people to hang out, because I would constantly anticipate rejection. I would spend hours on social media, comparing my life to my friends. I would constantly think about how others would perceive me and what they would think of me, rather than what I would think of myself.
What I didn’t realize at the time though, living and doing things to please other people and get their attention, only attributed to the decline of my mental health. I constantly blamed myself for not being good enough and for not being the person that others wanted me to be.
I thought that happiness was something I got from others. However, I’ve now realized that happiness truly comes from within, and that at the end of the day all that you have is yourself, and that’s ok. It’s ok if you don’t get happiness from going to a big party with a ton of friends, or if you don’t get happiness from going to a football game with your friend group. Truthfully, life isn’t perfect like an Instagram feed, and high school cliches are overrated. Everyone’s high school experience is going to look different, and that’s something I’ve come to understand is something we should all embrace.
Instead of focusing on getting the typical “high school experience” I’ve learned that with these 4 years, I can really work on myself. I can grow as a person and better myself. I can prepare myself for college. I can work on cool independent projects like starting a magazine!
The good news is that high school doesn’t last forever. The bad news is that high school doesn’t last forever. So if you take away anything from this, understand that you are the most important person in your own life, and you should always take advantage of focusing on yourself and doing what is best for you.
Iz:
My story is very different, yet similar to Ari’s in many ways. Freshman year, I attended a different high school. It was extremely competitive and difficult, but for the most part, I was willing to take on this challenge. The people I met there were so welcoming and similar to me in many ways. I felt this sense of belonging that I had never felt prior to high school. However, despite the many friendships I made, the pressure and lack of interest in the “major” I chose to study felt overwhelming. I constantly compared myself to my friends academically, and I felt like I was stuck in a major that I had absolutely no desire to pursue in the future. I put myself in a dark place, and I felt like none of my friends truly understood how I was feeling. That’s when I made one of the hardest decisions: I decided to transfer out. To others, it may seem like I gave up, or that I couldn’t handle the competition, and maybe that was part of it; regardless, I felt free.
I had so many great expectations for the new school I was attending. I already knew many of the people there from middle school, and I just assumed that everyone would welcome me with open arms. I distinctly remember getting ready for the first day of school. I was so excited, a little nervous, but mostly ecstatic for what was to come. Unfortunately, my expectations were far from reality.
I entered the school with my brother, who completely disappeared from my sight within 10 seconds of entering. There I was, lost, trying to find someone I could ask for help, but everyone seemed to group together with their own friends. Going to class was fine; I had no friends, but I didn’t mind because I was focused on my work. Then, lunch came. I kind of just found a random group of girls and sat down beside them. They said “hi” and smiled at me for a split second, then reverted to their conversations. Every time I would try to make an effort to join the conversation, no one would reply. I felt invisible, and for the first time in my high school career, I felt alone and isolated.
I got home that day and bawled my eyes out. I felt like the most pathetic person on earth. At my old school, pain came from academic pressure, but the pain I felt at this moment was completely different: I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I could never have the social life I wanted. I told myself that there was no point in trying because no one would like me regardless of my efforts. I was also slowly slipping farther and farther away from my friends at my old school. That’s when I decided that I would solely dedicate myself to my work. But, at a certain point, not having anyone to talk to at school felt unbearable. That all changed when I met Ari.
I wish I remember how exactly we became friends, but I do remember how kind and welcoming she was to me. At the time, we were both at this weird low point in our lives, and as cliche as it sounds, it really felt like fate brought us together. She brought out the happy and social part of my personality that I once had, and slowly, I was able to make the most of my situation. Despite having a small amount of friends, I was extremely grateful for how they made me feel. I always wanted that big friend group that I had at my old school, and I didn’t get that at my new school, but I truly valued the few friends I had.
I realized that yeah, people can be mean and hesitant to befriend someone new, but the loneliness I felt was mostly my fault. I tried so hard to make everyone like me to the point where I couldn’t remember who I really was. It was when I let people come to me when I recognized that no one should ever have to change his or her personality for another person. I wanted attention so badly that I was willing to completely cut off the things that made me, me.
Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle socially, but I can confidently say that I am at a good point in my life. I’ve reconnected with some of my old friends, and I’ve made new amazing friends as well. I’ve felt more inspired than ever, and I feel like everything's falling into place as it should, both academically and socially. Change is hard. But, honestly, change is only bad if you make it bad. If you constantly tell yourself that nothing will get better, and that you’re never going to belong, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I was able to make the most out of the change I experienced by truly learning to love myself and letting good things and friends come to me. To this day, I have no regrets, and I believe that’s how everyone should live.
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